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Raising kids/fairness etc.

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oldpbnoob View Drop Down
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    Posted: 07 January 2013 at 11:31am
I know most on here arent at the having multiple kids stage, but had a scenario and question about fairness. I also am an only child, so understand some of my confusion as to the proper answers. Not a critical issue, but wondering what others opinions are and/or how this would have been dealt with when they were growing up.
 
I have three kids, all girls. Oldest is 14 and the two younger are 8 years old and twins. My questions are in regards to what do people consider fair mostly regarding the twins. Here's the scenario. My twin girls are about as different as night and day. Other than both being blond and smart, they are different heights, weights, shoe sizes, etc. One tends to be much more "artsy" than the other and slow to pick up playing sports.  She also tends to be the smaller of the two. And when I say smaller, I mean typically at least one full size in clothing and 1 to 1.5 shoes sizes smaller...which leads to some of my dilemna. We try to reuse clothing and a lot of my oldest daughters things get handed down to the twins. We also have a couple sets of friends that bring us back of clothes that their duaghters outgrow. We're not poor, but people realize raising three kids isnt cheap and we're not too proud to accept the clothes. That and they are usually nearly new. Anyways, last year we signed the twins up for basketball. The program offered here gives girls the choice to either play basketball or be cheerleaders. It didnt surprise us that the larger, typically more sporty twin chose to play while the other chose to cheer. I am one of those that beleives you should outfit kids properly so actuall basketball shoes were purchased for one and cheer shoes for the other. No issues there. This year rolled around and both kids decided to play instead of cheer. Not going to lie, I was a little excited by this. When it came time to buy new shoes, I assumed that the larger twin had outgrown her basketball shoes from last year and planned to buy her a new set. It was discussed and decided that the smaller twin would use the shoes purchased last year since they were barely used and look virtually brand new. (we only use basketball shoes for basketball). I felt bad with doing this, but also didnt want to spend twice as much money considering BBall shoes are $30+. Well, I took the larger twin out and when shopping for shoes, actually had a hard time finding the right size, but ended up doing so. We got home, everyone was ok with things and along we go. I will say that the old shoes were a little big for the smaller twin, but with thick athletic socks not ridiculously big or anything.
 
This past weekend was their first game and while they were sitting next to each other putting their shoes on, I noticed that the new shoes looked really similiar in size to the old shoes. Afterwards when we got home, I compared the two and found that they were in fact the same freaking size! In fact the older shoes almost look a little bigger. Apparently I should have had the larger twin try them on before deciding to buy new ones which is funny because I kind of thought I had. Anyways, now I feel kind of bad. I dislike having the smaller twin having to wear shoes that would have fit the larger twin, so by rights she should have had the new shoes. Even after 8 years, I still feel new to this and constantly wrestle with what's considered fair or not fair. I also am an only child, so I never really had to deal with this sort of thing growing up. I always got new stuff, but I also wasnt involved in sports as much as my kids are. It gets expensive with three kids.
 
Thoughts? If not direct experience with your own kids, how did your parents handle hand me downs? We try to offset like when it came time for bicycles, the larger twin actually rode a two wheeler first, so she took the oldest sisters bike and the smaller got a new one. This was partially as an incentive for her to catch up and learn. It's odd having two kids born 2 minutes apart develop so differently.
 
 
"When I grow up I want to marry a rich man and live in a condor next to the beach" -- My 7yr old daughter.
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Kayback View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Kayback Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 January 2013 at 1:39pm
I'd suck the $30 loss and buy her some new shoes. But you might want to ask her if she'd prefer the difference in some other way. Maybe the "hand me across" shoes aren't too bad and she wants something different?

And I feel for you man. I really do.

I was a middle child so suffer serious middle child syndrome, which is a real thing not just a syndrome. What I could I got handed down from my sister. Some things it worked with, some things it didn't. My younger brother didn't get any hand me downs because "Oh we can't do that, they are so old!" Well there was a bigger gap between me and him than between me and my sister so maybe they had a point but it didn't feel like it at the time.

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote evillepaintball Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 January 2013 at 1:45pm
As a middle child, I never (that I can remember)  made a big deal out of the fairness thing.  It seemed like my dad cared way more than I did.  I also have a very easy-going personality though.  Just ask the other daughter if she wants new shoes.  You could also ask her if she wants to wear the old ones, since it is her first time playing, and if she wants to do it again next year get her new shoes.  
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote tallen702 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 January 2013 at 2:36pm
I like Kayback's suggestion. I was the youngest of two, and really resented a lot of the hand-me down stuff I had to go through. Not clothes (my sibling is the opposite sex) but things like bikes, toys, etc. The resentment for me stemmed from the fact that she always got new stuff, and I was left to use things she no longer wanted in a lot of circumstances. She wanted a 10-speed? She got a new one. I wanted a 10-speed? Well, my sister no longer used hers (she rode it only a few times and then never used it again) so I inherited it. Nothing says "hand-me-down" like a 13-year-old boy on a girl's 10-speed.....

There is a bit of a difference between your situation and mine. One thing to think about is will the smaller daughter wind up sticking with b-ball? Or is it going to be a one-and-done kind of deal? If she sticks with it, fine, go for the new shoes, but if not, what's the point of forking out money on something that'll only be used one season?
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote oldpbnoob Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 January 2013 at 3:08pm
Originally posted by Kayback Kayback wrote:

I'd suck the $30 loss and buy her some new shoes. But you might want to ask her if she'd prefer the difference in some other way. Maybe the "hand me across" shoes aren't too bad and she wants something different?
Honestly, if it was just the $30 for one pair of shoes, it wouldnt necessarily be an issue to begin with. But funds are a little tighter this year than in the past and not only are we having to shell out for basketball shoes, but also 2 pairs of dance shoes for each of the twins and $140+ for basketball gear for my oldest. And trust me there's always more.. And it's not always just about the money. We try to be somewhat smart stewards of our money, but also conscious about reusing things in general. Seems wasteful even at this point though to toss a pair of perfectly good shoes. I have tried donating them or finding a kid on their team that seems like they could use new ones, but that has gone over poorly in the past both with parents getting insulted and/or kids taking shoes and never wearing them. 
 
My origial intent was to see if she stuck with it before investing in new shoes. I just feel bad that she did end up with the old shoes when by rights she should have gotten new ones since the old ones were the same. I feel its my mistake. As Eville is saying though, she probably doesnt even care anymore at this point. Probably beating myself up over nothing.
 
What's sad is that if the girls were actually different ages, I wouldn't think twice about the situation, but it's more the fact that they are the same age that makes it so awkward at times.
 
Thanks for the input.  
 
 


Edited by oldpbnoob - 07 January 2013 at 3:15pm
"When I grow up I want to marry a rich man and live in a condor next to the beach" -- My 7yr old daughter.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote oldsoldier Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 January 2013 at 3:14pm
Pretty simple solution for the amatuers here. You are 'The Parent' and are obligated to 'supervise' all activities and with girls all purchases.

Girls tend to go for looks rather than fit, ingrained in their minds I gues, If you go for new shoes, you sit there and determine within reason the purchase for function and if a good look bonus....they will 'hate' you till you take them to the food court...BTDT.

From expierience with my girls thereis no such thing as 'fair' in a female childs mind, the one up manship games go on even when they are late into their 20's...BTDT. Just learn how to sort the crap from the corn as they say out here in Nebraska.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote oldpbnoob Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 January 2013 at 3:23pm

Obviously, its about a lot more than a $30 pair of shoes. As an only child, I never had to share. Probably why I am so obsessed sometimes with the idea of fairness.

"When I grow up I want to marry a rich man and live in a condor next to the beach" -- My 7yr old daughter.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote RoboCop Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 January 2013 at 5:09pm
I had a 6 year difference from my older brother. I would be offered hand me downs and I would deny it and get new stuff. We are completely different personalities and at the time, the fashion trends were very different seeing as he was born in 85 and I in 91. 
I hate hand me downs a lot. I am also picky with things such as clothing, so whatever I usually get from others is something I would have never picked out.

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote oldpbnoob Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 January 2013 at 5:19pm
Originally posted by RoboCop RoboCop wrote:

I had a 6 year difference from my older brother. I would be offered hand me downs and I would deny it and get new stuff. We are completely different personalities and at the time, the fashion trends were very different seeing as he was born in 85 and I in 91. 
I hate hand me downs a lot. I am also picky with things such as clothing, so whatever I usually get from others is something I would have never picked out.
Bit of a difference here though as we are talking kids that are the same age, just different sizes and as far as the shoes go, they are still a current model. We do the same with clothes. There is a 6 year difference between their older sister and them, so some of the clothes are dated and we typically toss a lot of those. Usually, we sit around with the storage container and do a "yay/nay" thing. There have been times that they even say yay, but the wife and I veto them and toss them in the donate box. It's not like we're making them wear parachute pants or anything.
"When I grow up I want to marry a rich man and live in a condor next to the beach" -- My 7yr old daughter.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote jerseypaint Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08 January 2013 at 2:02pm
I'm the oldest in my family by two minutes, so never had a hand me down problem, but I did experience all that came with having a twin brother. To be honest, it becomes pretty easy to become jealous of one another. When everyone views you as virtually the same person, you do your damnedest to differ yourselves from each other, and one way is to be the better twin. So when you get someone the other doesn't, it feels great, but when the opposite happens, you are left wondering "why not me?".
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote oldpbnoob Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08 January 2013 at 2:40pm

Ironically, the smaller twin is actually older by a few minutes. And my girls are fraternal, not identical so they don't probably get much of the "sameness" issues. Honestly, most people nowadays don't even identify them as twins anymore since they really look nothing alike other than being blond.

"When I grow up I want to marry a rich man and live in a condor next to the beach" -- My 7yr old daughter.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote jmac3 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08 January 2013 at 11:24pm
I read $140 in basketball "gear"

I think you're getting scammed....
Que pasa?


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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote oldpbnoob Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09 January 2013 at 6:37am
Originally posted by jmac3 jmac3 wrote:

I read $140 in basketball "gear"

I think you're getting scammed....
Thats actually cheap. Basketball shoes alone for our oldest usually run $100-120. Shooting shirts, matching socks, gear bags, etc. It all adds up.
"When I grow up I want to marry a rich man and live in a condor next to the beach" -- My 7yr old daughter.
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