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I'm bummed. I'm free!
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Tolgak View Drop Down
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    Posted: 07 October 2012 at 1:06am
I've just got to get some things said openly to bring some reality to my state of mind right now.

Firstly, I'm leaving Alaska in a few days. Met some great people up here, had a good time and got some good experience. Leaving a place and people you've grown to love is a process I've never thought would hit me so hard. I had some breakfast while watching a Juneau sunrise. I did some fun flying with my chief pilot through mountain passes. I've been carelessly going out with the friends I've made and done some thing I haven't been able to do in a while...

I'm free! I'm finally friggin' free!

I think...

I spent the last 3 years committed to a girl 6000 miles away, but have only had two visits from her. I was absolutely crazy to keep it up, considering I felt like it was more of a chore to constantly be trying to salvage the relationship. I worried endlessly about how I would be able to meet her. Our interactions over Skype and the phone kept turning into "you want to live in the US, I want to live in Turkey. what are we going to do?" As positive as I tried to be about our outlook, I would never stop hearing this. A few times she tagged the statement with "we're done." but I crawled back. Finally I had the courage to cut it off. I'm done being saddened all the time by the way she talks to me. I'm done letting each progression of our relationship being calculated by her. I'm done wasting my time on a future I know will end poorly for me.

I got to flirt for the first time in ages, and it felt terrific. I might even get a solid relationship out of this.


Bittersweetness is the worst state of mind to be in. It turns every good memory in to one you will look on with sorrow instead of reverence. I don't know how I'm going to get through the next few weeks, as I will be thrust into an environment and job that is not welcoming with people not friendly, with constant desire to return to this awesome place. Luckily, I could do it every week if I were so motivated, and I just might be.

TL;DR: I lost something great and I fixed a big mistake. I am going to have a rough time ahead of me, but I finally have some optimism.
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Lightningbolt View Drop Down
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It sounds like you've made proper sense of the reality of your relationship with the girl. Huge obstacle when emotions are involved. You'll make it through the next few weeks just fine.

My buddy that went to Alaska said that he would have stayed there if he was single.
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scotchyscotch View Drop Down
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"I'm bummed. I'm free!" Sounds like you just got out of prison. 

Sounds like the right move to me but I don't know this woman. I am however totally jealous that one, you fly, and two you've been doing it in Alaska. I think coming back to "reality" after that will take a couple of weeks.
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posting on a phone for a while so excuse the spelling and grammar you cants.
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Mack View Drop Down
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Originally posted by Tolgak Tolgak wrote:


Bittersweetness is the worst state of mind to be in. It turns every good memory in to one you will look on with sorrow instead of reverence. I don't know how I'm going to get through the next few weeks, as I will be thrust into an environment and job that is not welcoming with people not friendly, with constant desire to return to this awesome place. Luckily, I could do it every week if I were so motivated, and I just might be.

Bit of advice from someone who used to be an expert on screwed-up relationships:

Don't let it be bittersweet.  (Yes, I know this is hard to do.)  However, try to remember the fun times as just that, fun . . . without bringing the rest in.  If you view it as a "we had fun but it didn't work out" thing you will eventually be much happier and habits/knee-jerk reactions from this relationship will be much less likely to pop up when old buttons get accidentally pushed in later relationships.

As for Alaska . . . I spent a year up there with the military and loved it.  However, I've learned that where ever you are can be a great place if you go in with the right attitude and are willing to keep an open mind.  As far as an unwelcoming work environment, I subscribe to/use the approach an old supervisor used to use;  basically, I make a conscious effort to stay positive because I view letting others get me down as a victory for them and I'm to darn stubborn to let others beat me.

TL;DR: I lost something great and I fixed a big mistake. I am going to have a rough time ahead of me, but I finally have some optimism.
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impulse418 View Drop Down
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Booze and ketamine will numb the pain.
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Ceesman762 View Drop Down
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The next one is the best one.
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Your change in attitude will make a big difference in everything you do now. I think you'll feel happier with your sense of direction, or more able to do well in whatever is next.

Saying goodbye always hurts, especially when you grow to love a place like this, but you're just getting started, you'll easily be back at least for a good visit.
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I think I'd be more upset about leaving Alaska.  I've been there twice and it IS culture shock.  The people that live there are just so darn friendly you almost need insulin to get by.  I mean, just great people.  My sister moved there 12 years ago and fell in love with how beautiful it is out there, but I think it was mostly how nice the people are there.  It is a stark contrast to people that live in the Midwest (or maybe just in the lower 48 in general).
 
Good luck in your future endeavors!  Chin up!
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Tolgak View Drop Down
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Points: 1239469 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Tolgak Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08 October 2012 at 6:21pm
Quote I think I'd be more upset about leaving Alaska.  I've been there twice and it IS culture shock.  The people that live there are just so darn friendly you almost need insulin to get by.  I mean, just great people.  My sister moved there 12 years ago and fell in love with how beautiful it is out there, but I think it was mostly how nice the people are there. It is a stark contrast to people that live in the Midwest (or maybe just in the lower 48 in general).
 
Good luck in your future endeavors!  Chin up!

I was long over with the girl, it just took a while to get around to saying it. The long distance made things difficult, but I still enjoyed the chats we had... except for the occasional ones where she would remind me how I am the scum of the Earth for not dropping everything I have to go to Turkey to be with her, where I'd have to lose aviation and work for a pittance. There was also the obnoxious lying before every truth, the fact that she would try to trick my hormones into making life decisions for me, and the pessimism about things in general. I was tired of it, and I haven't shed a tear over it.

The Alaska thing is hitting me way harder than I ever expected it to. It basically moved me to accept being more artistic (instead of straightforward) about the way I wanted to express myself, which is an incredible feat. I'm losing a place, family, and job in one hit. On the scale of places, families, and jobs; Alaska, my coworkers, and the flying rank as the highest I've ever experienced.

That loss is making me rethink everything. I've always tried to be a nice guy, that wont change. I just need to be more open and approachable. I can do that now, thanks to people like that in Juneau. I'll also be more forward in going after women, because it's about time I experience a real relationship. It's great to be freed to do so.
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