How The Shenk Stole Christmas.

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How The Shenk Stole Christmas. 
-Jeffrey "Whale" Riley

Every poster
Logged to Mother
Liked Christmas a lot... 
But the Shenk
Who was a Mod of Mother…
Did NOT! 
The Shenk hated Christmas!
The whole Christmas season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be the constant threads, they come quite a lot…
The dozens of threads, saying “Post what you got”
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his trench-coat, was two sizes too small. 
But, whatever the reason,
His coat or the booze, 
He stood there on Christmas Eve, hating the newbs
Staring over from PBC with a crazy-eyed frown
At the happy Christmas threads, posted in Forum-town.
For he knew every poster would be up to no good…
Waiting for the mods to log off, just like they should.
"They’re getting new X7’s!“ he snarled with a sneer.
"Tomorrow is Christmas! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his long fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find a way to keep all the newbs from coming!"
For, tomorrow, he knew... 
...All the forum girl and boys
Would wake up bright and early. They'd rush for their toys!
And then! They would see it! Under their tree’s
Brand new X7’s Triumph’s and C3’s
Then the newbs of all ages would get curious…
And begin thinking “Wonder how it works…”
And they'd open them up, and scatter the pieces…
They will stare at the manual, trying to reconnect the beast!
But no! The directions they won’t follow in the least! 
And THEN
They'd do something he liked least of all!
Every newb everywhere, would take their new loot…
Out to the back yard, and attempt to shoot.
They would soon figure out that they failed the rebuild…
They'd **edited**! They complain! They swear the tank is filled!
And then, the worst of all, they sign on the internet.
And onto the forum, all of them will get…
They make threads, saying the product is bad!
“Help me fix it!” all downcast and sad.
So says the Shenk, I must stop the invasion now!
...But HOW?" 
Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
ENOS SHENK
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA! 
"I know just what to do!" The Shenk laughed in his throat.
And he made a quick Santa-Claus mask, and red trench-coat.
And he chuckled, the coughed, "What a great forum trick!
"With this coat and this hat, I'll look just like Saint Nick!" 
"All I need is some reindeer..."
Enos Shenk looked around.
But since reindeer are scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop Enos Shenk?
No! Onto PBC he logged, and simply said,
"Free beer for anyone who helps me instead!"
So he gathered some members, with just a mouse click…
He got Funky, Choopie, Brihard, Tom and Patrick.
THEN
He grabbed some Hefty bags
And a bottle of Jack
Piled all into his pickup, 
And he found his GPS, got it out of his pack. 
Then Enos Shenk said, "Giddyap!"
And the Truck started down
Toward the homes where the newbs
Lay a-snooze in their town. 
All their windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.
All the newbs were all dreaming sweet dreams without care
When he came to the first house in the square.
"This is stop number one," The old Enos Shenk hissed
And he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist. 
Then he slid down the chimney, easy because Shenk is thin
“Santa, that fatass…” he thought with a grin…
He only stopped once, for a moment or two.
To let Funky light up a cigar or two. 
Where the little newb stockings all hung in a row.
"These stockings," he grinned, "are the first things to go!" 
Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,
Around the whole room, and he took every present!
Air tanks! Hoppers! Drops forewords! Paintballs! 
Pod packs! Barrels! He took every gun, sure to get them all…
And he stuffed them in bags. Then Enos Shenk, very nimbly,
Stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimney! 
Then he slunk to the fridge, he knew how to cause fear. 
He pooped right on the Turkey, that would end all their cheer. 
Causing this commotion! Being quite the burden!
Just like his hero, one called Tyler Durden. 
Then he turned his direction onto the tree…
For no reason at all, he dropped his fly and took quite the pee..  
And the Grinch shook it off, getting out the last drops
He  heard the sound come towards him, a little slight hop.  
He saw someone he knew, who goes by the nick…
Of the chat’s Polish wonder boy, our own Cedric. 
Enos Shenk had been caught doing this foul deed
By a kid who just wanted some good late night weed.
She stared at the man, and asked “Why, Enos, Why?”
"Why are you pissing on our Christmas tree? WHY?" 
But, you know, that old Enos was so smart and so slick
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
While the gears in his head oh they did clank,
“Here, why don’t you take some of this, it's quite dank”
And gift fooled the child. Sticking the joint in his head.
And he snapped on his Zippo, and he sent him to bed.
And when Cedric went to bed with his J
HE went to the chimney, knowing all was OK. 
Then
He did the same thing
To the other forumer’s houses 
Taking all their junk, 
Not just the kind in the trunk. 
It was quarter past dawn...
All the newbs, still a-bed
All the newbs, still a-snooze
When he packed up his sled,
Packed it up with their Ions! Timmy‘s! Cockers!
Soon packed away safe, home in his locker. 
All the way home, he had to hump it.
He rode to his house, and their stuff he did dump it.
"Pooh-pooh to the Newbs!" he was grinch-ish-ly humming.
"They're finding out now that no Christmas is coming!
"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
"Then all the Newbs down in Newbs-ville will all get online
“They will all make threads, none will be whines!”
"That's a sight," grinned Enos Shenk
"For which I pine” 
So he paused. And then Enos Shenk put an eye to the screen
They were slow popping up, But soon they could be seen
It started in low. Thoughts and Opinion‘s was small... 
The threads were not about broken gear, they were about no gear at all!
“Those little ingrates, The complain no matter what happens!
“All they do is rant and rave, then go back to fappin’!
It couldn't be so!
All that working for not
He stared at the forum. 
Enos Shenk rubbed his eyes!
Then he shook!
What he saw was a shocking surprise! 
MORE THREADS
“SOMEONE STOLE MY GEAR!“ they all came just the same! 
And Enos Shenk, with his tight jacket around his frame
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?
“I took all the gear! I took all the stuff!
"I need a cigarette right now, sweet smoke to puff
And he puzzled three hours, `till his puzzler was sore.
Then Enos Shenk thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe I should give it back," he thought, "They are not that bad
"Maybe Christmas threads, I can help with, so they will not be sad
And what happened then...?
Well...in Newb-ville they say
That the Shenks small jacket
Grew three sizes that day!
And the minute his chest didn’t feel so tight
He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light
And he brought back the paintball stuff, all in one batch
And he... 
...HE HIMSELF...!
Played the first match.

Edited by Tae Kwon Do - 24 December 2006 at 10:54pm