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learning from bad examples..

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PAINTBALL1 View Drop Down
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    Posted: 25 February 2006 at 11:35pm


" Nobody is totally useless. They can always serve as a bad example".
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Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife liz. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darnn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,. right?!!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Still in shock,

PAINTBALL1




Edited by PAINTBALL1 - 25 February 2006 at 11:42pm
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Cheetos3254 View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Cheetos3254 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 February 2006 at 11:36pm
do you think people are actually gonna read all of that?
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote High Voltage Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 February 2006 at 11:38pm
i know i sure didn't... but i can probably sum it up in just one word... LAME!
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PAINTBALL1 View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote PAINTBALL1 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 February 2006 at 11:39pm
No.. actually i had no real hopes of anyone reading this, but i thought maybe for those who do, they might find it some what amusing.



Edited by PAINTBALL1 - 25 February 2006 at 11:40pm
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pb125 View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote pb125 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 February 2006 at 11:40pm
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote *Stealth* Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 February 2006 at 11:40pm
ROFL

AHAHAHAHHAHAAH
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PAINTBALL1 View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote PAINTBALL1 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 February 2006 at 11:41pm
It was an e-mail from my uncle, using a different name, so i inserted my name instead.
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Too cheesy for mere words to describe ..

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Cheetos3254 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 February 2006 at 11:42pm
Originally posted by PAINTBALL1 PAINTBALL1 wrote:

No.. actually i had no real hopes of anyone reading this, but i thought maybe for those who do, they might find it some what amusing.

Obviously you did or you wouldnt have posted it
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote NotDaveEllis Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 February 2006 at 11:43pm
Seen this in various version around the web.
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PAINTBALL1 View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote PAINTBALL1 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 February 2006 at 11:43pm
maybe a little, but unless its extremely interesting, or a good debate, a good portion of people on here wont or dont read large posts, so i didnt have high expectations.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote XenoSabre Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 February 2006 at 11:45pm
In the first parafgraph he calls his wife Liz and then in the second paragraph he calls her Toni. Thats about as far as I got...
[IMG]http://i45.photobucket.com/albums/f76/Xeno-Sabre/kutaragi.png">
http://xeno-sabre.deviantart.com/
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Boss_DJ Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 February 2006 at 11:45pm
haha...nice

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote pb125 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 February 2006 at 11:45pm
"I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again."
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote pb125 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 February 2006 at 11:46pm
Originally posted by XenoSabre XenoSabre wrote:

In the first parafgraph he calls his wife Liz and then in the second paragraph he calls her Toni. Thats about as far as I got...


Toni is his cat.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Sammy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 February 2006 at 11:50pm
We have a taser and I was screwing around with it one time. I was sticking random things in between the electricity and my finger got caught and it hurt like a mother. I dropped it and promised myself never to do that again. 
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote High Voltage Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 February 2006 at 11:50pm
pb, stoofoo or your hops are gone in chat...it's a stolen story that probably isn't as funny as you are making it out to be. i'll cut you.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Penguin Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 February 2006 at 11:58pm
I read the whole thing and needless to say it was mildly amusing, on the bright side if it makes you feel better my dad would find it hilarious.

Back by popular demand
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote GI JOES SON Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 February 2006 at 12:04am
looks like he shoulda tried it on the cat first
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote xTippyx Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 February 2006 at 12:22am
lol i found that somewhat amusing
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Jack Carver Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 February 2006 at 12:33am
Yeah I was expecting he was gonna try it on the cat.
Thing probably would have died...
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