DBibeau855: The Life and Times

    The legend that is DBibeau855 has left scholars and the masses alike perplexed for countless generations. Finally, a light has been cast on the truth. Herein lie the countless accomplishments and extraordinary deeds of DBibeau. Read on, if you dare, for the mysteries of the world itself lie within these pages. These tales are brought to you with the acceptance that the author shall fall prey to the deadly grip of DBibeau himself, and the entire Pentagon, whom he has at his beck and call.


    Long ago, in the early days of the universe, before even life itself had come into existence, there was but one creature in all the heavens. As time passed, this creature grew lonesome, and hungered for companionship. Through his complete mastery of space and time, he molded many things. First, he created all the stars in the sky, to bring light into his darkness. Next, he crafted all the many planets in the endless universe. Even with these newfound wonders, the creature was not satisfied. After countless aeons of thought, the creature undertook his greatest work. Through the limitless depths of his knowledge, he crafted another in his image. He named this new entity Yahweh, or “God” as he came to be known to mortals. The newfound friends laughed, sang, and made merry. Eventually, God gave a name to his companion. He called him, “DBibeau, or, in ancient tongues long lost to the understanding of man, “The Kickass One”. As the ages swept by, Yahweh felt he owed something to his illustrious creator. In great secrecy, he found a planet on the very fringes of space, and created a race of beings in the image of his almighty companion.
    The universe is a big place, and it was many millennia later that DBibeau felt something was amiss. Crossing the heavens in but a blink of the eye, the greatest of beings was enraged at what he found in that tiny outreach of his creations. With fire burning in his eyes, The Kickass One descended upon the unknowing peoples of what by that time was known as “Earth”.

Chapter Two: Oops, He Did it Again. Circa 30 something A.D.

    DBibeau was consumed with a burning hatred, and yearned for revenge against his erstwhile companion, who dared have the audacity to alter His lovingly crafted world. Scouring the planet, DBibeau settled upon one creature, a mortal who had been gifted with being the son of Yahweh himself. Utilizing his endless knowledge, he pulled a few strings, quite literally puppeteering the masses, and nailed that SOB to some huge poles. God was furious, but to no avail, as DBibeau roundhouse kicked him in the face. The resulting explosion spawned Chuck Norris, who to this day will roundhouse kick anyone and everything in the face as he sees fit.

Chapter Three: Fast Forward; Sometime Later

    Since that fateful day nearly two thousand years prior, God and DBibeau had been locked in mortal combat. The Kamikaze, or Divine Wind, which saved the outnumbered armies of Japan from the hordes of Kublai Khan in 1274 an 1281, were both caused not by heavenly intervention, but instead by DBibeau roundhouse kicking the wind out of God. The Black Death of the 14th century, which killed over 34 million people, was caused not by diseased rats, but instead a drop of DBibeau’s blood falling to Earth. Another two centuries passed, and finally God overcame his creator and hurdled him down to Earth with such force that when Dbibeau awakened, he was stuck in the body of a man. Fear not, however, loyal reader, as DBibeau kicks so much ass that he is still invincible, and able to change his form, and anything else he so desires.  Hellbent on revenge, DBibeau stalks the Earth to this day, lending himself to all manner of depravations and mortifying disasters.

Chapter Four: The Great War

    Dbibeau was still pretty steamed when June 28th, 1914 rolled around, and so he decided to do something to relieve the tension. Unable to seduce any hookers in the DC area, which he reportedly owns, he jumped across the Atlantic and shot Archduke Franz Ferdinand. Feeling much better, five years later he allowed the fighting to cease. However, this was only because all of the men had been gone for so long. Wink.

Chapter Five: Give Me Your Jew Gold, Kyle

    After escaping the Temple of Doom in one piece, but flat broke and with a newly acquired heart problem, DBibeau realized he would have to get rich the old fashioned way. Rounding up all the Jew’s in Europe, he pulled some shenanigans, and, long story short, don’t believe everything you see on Southpark, kids.

Intermission: Nice fence

    Due to an error in R&D, we forgot to mention, Dbibeau also constructed the Great Wall of China, with one arm tied behind his back. Oh yes.

Chapter Six: Dominos? Anyone?

    Feeling slightly snubbed at the world’s opinion of his last little outburst, DBibeau decided he needed to come back in grand style. Seeing the rise of Communism and the problems it was causing, he took a stand. On June 5, 1989, he transformed himself into a small Chinese fellow and halted the advance of a column of tanks into Tiananmen Square for almost a half hour. Following up that world changing performance, Dbibeau then secretly handed a note to Günter Schabowski, the East German Minister of Propaganda, mere moments before he was to make a speech. The note informed him that East Germany’s citizens would be allowed to cross into West Germany. Within weeks, the wall was being demolished. Dbibeau returned home and settled in for a long winter’s nap.

Chapter Seven: Oh ****, They Found Me Out!

    Throughout the ages, DBibeau855 has clearly been the most influential being to ever exist. I mean, honestly, without him, none of us would even be here! From inventing the internet, to solving world hunger, what can this blessing upon humanity not do? Well, thanks to a crack team of certified experts, we can finally reveal the truth behind this incredible fallacy. In the words of our team lead, who asked to remain anonymous, “I still stand that DBibeau is about 35 years old and talks on the forum and chat while in the nude, masturbating so rough that he bleeds and uses the blood as lube.” All eloquence aside, it is clear that DBibeau is up to no good. Let’s review the facts, as they have turned up in recent weeks. First: pb125 thinks he is a saint. We currently suspect that pb125 was in some way molested by DBibeau. This would in part explain his inability to get the motor running for the ladies. Second: DBibeau took a film class. Well done sire. Third: DBibeau works in a church.
    With the recent resurgence of Chuck Norris and his followers, it is clear we must act now.
Given time, DBibeau will marshall his supporters, and with the reuniting of The Kickass One and Chuck Norris, the world will fall into a darkness the likes of which we have not seen since that one scene from The Matrix. While some of you may question the wholehearted Chuck Norris as a supporter of evil, he is in fact a campaigner for Christianity. See point three in the previous paragraph.
    No longer may we sit idly by, and allow DBibeau to revel in his machinations. We must rise up, and make a stand against the fallacies and hideous mistruths issuing forth from the greatest evil this world has ever known. I leave you with these words, and pray that you shall heed the warnings, lest it be too late and we are overtaken in an even greater pile of lies and falsehoods than that which we have already endured. Go now, and God be with you.

Edited by Frozen Balls

i bow to your greatness

That's a lot of time to dedicate to that. Wow. Maybe you should consider more productive topics?

oprah approved

Dbibeauism. Im no Theology scholar, but I say you cant go wrong.

Would have never suspected I would be in that story.

I inspired alot of that, but DAMN frozen, I didnt know you would put that much into it...

jesus frozen...
You have way to much time on your hands.
In the time it took to write that, you could have done something constructive, like find a cure for cancer.

"We currently suspect that pb125 was in some way molested by DBibeau. This would in part explain his inability to get the motor running for the ladies." lol

Too much time frozen . . .